My Story.

Today. For the first time in my life I was thankful for those dark moments of my past. Why? Because those experiences have given me the empathy and compassion to understand that sometimes people make bad choices. That doesn't make them bad people. We have to look beyond the actions and see the person. Because let's face it... do you really think the promiscuous teenage girl is doing it because she likes the sexual contact? In all honestly, it is probably the opposite. How do I know? I was that girl. I was that teenage girl making really bad choices. I was the girl cutting class, smoking a cigarette in my car in the parking lot. I was that wounded soul looking to fill that void in my life with all things bad. I spent many years regretting these choices. Carrying shame with these choices. A typical facebook encounter tonight helped me realize that having those experiences taught me first hand to look beyond the behavior and listen to the story. There is always a story. My story has some dark moments that tend to overshadow the sunny days. Abuse. Death. Tragedy. As a young girl I let those dark moments consume me. I let those moments shape "my" story. Luckily, my life took a turn. I met a loving, pure hearted boy that saw beyond my imperfections and looked at my heart. My soul. He loved me tenderly. He saved my life. I often wonder where my life would had gone had I not met this incredible person. So, tonight I write this in my warm, loving home with that same tender hearted man who has given me the most wonderful gift. The gift of directing me to be the person I was always meant to be. Passionate, loving, giving, and so much more. Take the time to listen to the story. It will change your life.

Disneyland half marathon

Running my first half marathon was an awesome experience. The training and dedication was so much more than I thought it was going to be... I complained and struggled, but I did it. We spent two days touring and walking Disneyland the days before the marathon... probably not the best way to rest your muscles, but we couldn't wait to take the boys. Sunday morning I headed out for the starting line. Being surrounded by all those people is really thrilling and motivating. I was hopeful the adrenaline would carry me through. It took me 25 minutes to even get to the starting line... and then we were off! My goal was to at least run for the first 6 miles, and then walk if I needed to. Well, I ran straight for the first 11 miles and then I just didn't think I could go anymore... the pain in my feet was horrible. So I stopped to walk a bit - which made it worse. My legs felt like jello... but then I picked myself up and ran some more. The last two miles were a walk/run combo, but I finished strong and ran through the finish line. Running through an empty Disneyland/CA adventure was exciting, but my two favorite parts were around mile 9 - running on the field of the Angels stadium. The crowed cheering, your picture on the big screen, and "California Gurlz" bumping on my ipod. I felt like a rock star! (then unfortunately my ipod died - my least favorite part of the run). As I almost hit mile 13, I saw my boys and Robert cheering me on. I ran by and Ezra gave me a high five. It really put a pep in my step. I was so proud, and happy that they were there to share in my experience. My hope is that they will always be proud of me and that I will be a positive example to them and show them the importance of taking care of yourself. Most importantly I hope to teach them that no matter what, you can do anything you set your mind to. I may not be the most fit, the fastest, but I made a committment and I followed through. I pushed my mind and my body further than it had ever been before... I said I wouldn't do it again, but now I'm not so sure. It feels pretty amazing.

Van Halen - Right Now (Music Video) HD

This is the song that does it for me. That pushes me when I am running.

It gives me that feeling of empowerment. That I am strong and powerful.

That my body is totally capable of doing this.

That I have to keep going. Right now. C'mon turn this thing around.

There was a time many years ago where my internal dialogue was abusive and hateful. I thought it was good motivation. I was wrong.

Seriously, my old mantra to myself was "keep going. you are disgusting and fat."

Now... it is "you are strong and powerful. you can do this."

Much better, don't you think?

Reading the book, "Woman, Food and God" by Geneen Roth has changed my way of thinking. It has taken me to a new understanding... what if I am good enough just as I am? Maybe I should stop trying to "fix" myself... maybe I really am not "broken."

I have been dieting since I was in the 5th grade. Honestly. It was my first trip to weight watchers. Size 6 to 28, I have never in my life been content with my body. I just don't know what that feels like. Well, except for one time. But it wasn't in this reality... I was in a guided meditation (attending a Sylvia Browne event). My BFF Melissa asked me to go with her. I said sure... why not? What I didn't realize was that it was one of the most powerful and life changing events in MY life. A quick and easy description of the event...

Sylvia guides you to your "place." You picture yourself there...seeing myself brought tears to my eyes. For the VERY FIRST TIME in my life I saw myself as beautiful. I wasn't thin, I wasn't fat... I was just me. Standing in a peaceful meadow. Wearing a clean crisp white summer dress. My long hair blowing in the wind. I instantly had a feeling that was totally foreign to me. I didn't think about it. I just felt it.

I was at peace. At peace with myself. A feeling of being totally content. Everything was perfect just as it was... it was so amazing and wonderful.

I hope that one day I can experience that feeling again... but in my daily reality.

Love and Chocolate

Today was a day for chocolate... so we made some brownies. Both boys love to cook. After we were done, I let Ezra lick the spoon... remember how great that was when you were a kid? He loved it. Here is the proof.

When I look at these pictures I can't help but smile. It warms my heart... these boys make me laugh out loud every day. They are so much work, but so much fun. I have become totally obsessed with capturing these moments on film. If we laugh about them today, imagine the joy and laughter they will bring us in 20 years.

....and these moments are just priceless. Robert came out and told me, your gonna want to get your camera for this one. We couldn't stop laughing.

Boys, Boys, Boys...

Happy Mother's Day... the funniest job on earth!

So I am starting to believe that being a mother is not the hardest, most rewarding job... but the FUNNIEST! Lately in our house, these boys have brought a smile to my face and literally make me laugh out loud.

We have been trying to wean Jonah off the bottle. Doc says he should have been weaned at 12 months, he is now 18 months. We were down to only 2 per day... one at nap, one at bedtime until this last week we had gotten down to just the bedtime bottle. Although there were some tears the first few days, overall he did pretty good. Or should I say I did pretty good standing my ground. I just couldn't handle seeing him cry - oh how he loves his baba!

We needed to buy him new nipples, but were hesitant knowing that soon he would be off the bottle. One by one the nipples had to be thrown out... until last night we realized that we only had one left.

Well, last night Jonah got his last bedtime bottle. Not because we are cutting him off. Not because I am being a consistant mom who follows through. Not because he doesn't want it anymore. It's because he must of savored that one daily bottle so much that he attacked the one and only nipple we had left.

I mean he mutilated it.

He destroyed it.

I hope it was a good one, because I am sorry Jonah,

your baba days have come to an end.

It's a strange thing... you can't wait to see them grow up and watch them become independent beings, but at the same time I will mourn that we no longer have any "babies." No more cribs, no more bottles. Where has the time gone? Who am I kidding... bottle or not, they will always be my babies. As an inspirational fellow blogger once said, "I both lost and found myself the day I became a mother." This is so true for me.

Happy Mother's Day and please take some time today to laugh with your kids...

The madness continues...

...and you thought toothbrushes were just for cleaning teeth? Apparently Jonah finds them very useful in cleaning the bottom of his shoes. Yes, this WAS my toothbrush... until today.

After having our coffee table safely stored away in the garage for the past several years (according to Robert, coffee tables and wobbly toddlers aren't a good combination) I thought I would bring it back in to the living room. Immediately, the boys discovered the new element. First they climbed on top. Of course. But next, my ever so resourceful son decided to use it as a tee to play INDOOR baseball golf. Why not?

Luckily I always keep my camera ready and easily accessible in order to capture these crazy moments. Some might think I have lost my mind... to stop and allow the madness to continue for a few more moments while I zoom and focus... but I know that in twenty years we are going to sit around and enjoy laughing at all the mischievous and comical things these two little guys came up with. I am glad I can sit back, have a sense of humor and move on... well at least that's the case MOST days.

Have a great weekend everybody... and remember to thank your mother. Most likely she had a few of these days in your younger years.

It may be a crazy life, but it is our life... as much as Kate Goselin annoys me, I love this saying! Lately it feels like we live in constant chaos.

One crisis after another.

The last two days being the worst... or is it the best?

Yesterday my dear Ezra swallowed a penny (or at least we thought he did?)

The incident sent us to the ER, deleted $75 from my checkbook and tested the strength of several nurses as they tried to x-ray my freakishly strong toddler. However, being in the ER seeing all the seriously ill children made me appreciate and see the humor in our situation. We were happy to leave with a healthy bouncy boy and headed to In-n-Out for a burger... his favorite.

The next stop, Verizon. To replace the phone that was mistaken for a plant and watered while he was playing with the hose... cost, $40. I think I should start keeping a record of these expenses and deduct them from his first allowance!

Please don't forget about my sweet adorable Jonah... the strong man. His idea of fun, creating his own rock slide. Grunting and puffing, one by one he picked up all the rocks in our yard, carried them over to the slide and let them go... what fun!

While in the shower this morning, they somehow got the dental floss out of the CHILDPROOF drawer. My 5 second shower was interrupted by the scream of terror... the scream all mothers fear. Not just a cry, but a "I am hurt mama, please hurry" scream. I run to the rescue and find the boys tangled up in the entire roll of dental floss, nearly about to lacerate poor Jonah's chubby little finger.

Enough! But wait, it gets better...

We rush down the street to Ezra's speech therapy appt. (we are so lucky that our neighbor, a speech therapist is able to provide services out of her home). The session ends, we barely all survive, we say goodbye... but wait, no

Ezra is peeing on her front porch!

I guess in all the "fun" we both forgot that he was wearing his big boy underwear (say hello to potty training!) I was mortified.

We are back home, changed, dry and hopeful for some relaxing time before lunch. I soon realize the silence... which is never a good thing. I come into the living room to find Ezra with his new dry chonies on his head - with the leg hole just in the right spot over one eye so that he can see as he runs circles in the living room and his brother chases him... they are giggling and laughing. Not a care in the world.

I call Robert to tell him about the madness, and he is LAUGHING!

He thinks it's all hilarious... I step back, take a good look and realize that yes, it is hilarious.

and crazy...

but it's our crazy.